the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
