its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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