I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
