Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
vagina is talking i cant
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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