I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
