ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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