Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
