Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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