Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
