This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
