Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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