The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
