Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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