I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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