i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
