Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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