you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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