The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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