She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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