I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
