Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
