How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize