the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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