you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
