hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
