I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
