I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
