i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
