i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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