i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
