I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
