Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize