No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
