I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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