Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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