cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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