note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
