when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
