If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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