I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
