If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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