I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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