I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
