dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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