if you like me you must not know who I am
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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