why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
