My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
