Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
