ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
