the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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