look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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