just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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