My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
